Origin Story

7 years ago Sunday, two drunks met gazes in a sleazy bar and determined that they would spend the rest of their lives annoying the holy living shit out of each other.  


Well, actually, one of us tried to steal the other's pitcher of beer in an effort to get the attention of the other's pretty little blonde friend.  Good the thing the friend lists filthy black turtlenecks as one of her main turn-offs.

Drunky Time Problem Solving I

Prereqs (this is complicated)

• Live in an "up and coming" 'burb where the pizza places won't deliver after midnight because their drivers might get shot by the neighbors who haven't quite "up and came."
• Have a griddler/panini maker/Jorje Foreman grill because your snooty, boug-y apartment complex doesn't allow actual patio-dwelling barbeque grills.
• Possess a hankering for pizza that can only be justified by the steady drinking of alcoholic beverages for 4-6 hours prior.

Ingredients

• Soft Taco Shells
• Spaghetti Sauce
• Pesto
• Shredded Cheese
• Frozen (pre-cooked) Chicken Strips

Directions
Any rah-tard can figure this part out.


Things to do while your griddler warms up

• Remove all of your husband's beer bottles from the trash and place in the recycling bin.
• Remind yourself that the man can't even conceptualize a "clean side" and "dirty side" of the sink and forgive him the recycling bin trespasses.
• Turn on the Scentsy warmer in an attempt to cover up the salmony smell emitting from your warming griddler.  (This step only works if you are using the obnoxiously floral-scented wax you received for Christmas from an unnamed in-law.) 
• Turn on the ceiling fan and crack open the back door.  (See above.)
• Ponder the rules for punctuation within parenthetical statements.
• Realize that the instructions for this particular problem-solving episode are too lengthy for a text message and resolve to finally start the blog that you've been promising yourself you would start for the last 3-4 years.
• Think about names for the aforementioned blog and resolve to name it after an inside Portlandia joke that only your sister-in-law will get.
• Realize that you can't share the blog address with your sister-in-law because you will probably use the space to make fun of her mother.  Resolve to use that title anyway.
• Justify the impending consumption of the fatty, delicious food that you are cooking by reminding yourself that your boobs are still bigger than your stomach, if only for a few more weeks.

Things to do after you have problem-solved your way out of this specific pizza-craving
Stream The Big Lebowski on Netflix for the 6783rd time while enjoying your culinary delight.


Aaaaaaaaaaaand scene.